One of the reasons that I started this blog was to allow people to check-in with me instead of me reporting to them. I tend to 'report' on me, all the time.
"Now, let's go to Treice Backs with KCA News, for a special report on Treice Backs."
I like writing in this blog because it lets people know where I'm am in this journey without really reporting on the day to day. It gives some people courage and makes others afraid. It reminds people that life is short and it is, for some, quite the obsession to hear an inside voice. I realize however that there are gaps and that these gaps are concerning. I don't mean gaps between days of entries. I mean gaps in information. So what happens, quite naturally, when I make my way into the public or to see a friend is that I end up reporting on my situation.
A report or information based blog for me might be a frame by frame on recent appointments, prognosis' and treatments. This I fear would not only not yield fewer readers, but it might very well lead me to an even earlier death!
A lot of people call me to find out how I'm doing and to follow up on this appointment or that appointment. I'm usually so tired after an appointment that I just need to nap and process it all in my sleep. When I wake up, I tell my husband, and I usually tell my mom and my best friend on the same day. I also tell my step-mom and one other friend that I like to keep in the loop. By that point I'm tired again and need to go for a nap.
I guess in a way, it's like asking everyone I know to tell me in detail how their work day went. Most people just say it sucked or it was fine. My work is fighting cancer and it's rigorous and it sucks and it's fine.
Although I've never been quite the tonguewagger that Anne was, I've been talking about cancer for a long, long time now. Not only do I talk about it when I'm asked how it's going, I think I talk about it when I'm not asked about it. I also think about it, write about it and read about it. I shower with it, mother with it and sleep with it.
It's tough because I want to say "I'm fine". I want to talk about hand bags and haircuts and shoes instead. But I don't, but I do, I do! But I don't. I guess it depends on the day. Handbags and haircuts and shoes what a relief. Oh, handbags and haircuts and shoes who cares? Handbags and haircuts and shoes, oh my!
I don't want privacy; I want people to know. I really do. I want to keep thinking out loud and keep being creative. I want my cancer and my writing to continue to touch people. I'm too tired to know what I want. I'll keep writing but I may stop talking. If I stop talking, having a conversation with me will be like having a conversation with a pink elephant in the room and not talking about the pink elephant. That's what I'll do. Just a big smile.
Unless Oprah calls, then I'll talk. Or the CBC.
Or, a friend that wants to talk; someone who wants to know. That's okay; that's what I do. That's what we do.
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