It's overcast and cold again. It's down right gloomy. I hear from friends and family and bus drivers and clerks and cashiers about how the weather is getting them down and I realize that that could be a large part of what I'm feeling too. It's easy to think however that it's the cancer.
My skin is always cold, ice cold; my finger tips not so nimble. Cancer generally has a hard time thriving in heat so I'd like to get to an infrared sauna this week. That might help. I'd like to be warm again. If I could just get my body warm, if I could only fall asleep, near a window, like a cat, and let the sun heat me, if I could only wake up with the sun on my face. It's coming soon I hear. I'll wait for it.
I've put a donation button on my blog and and I've had to think about criteria or "rules" for donating. All of my friends and all of my family and all of my community have already donated their love and their time and their money in order to help us live and save my life. The button comes with criteria I suppose because saving my life is exhausting and relentless and costly. How much is it worth? When do I stop trying? I don't think I do. Who does, who stops and when?
I met a woman in Florida who was trying to save her own life too. There are a lot of us. We're so tired. I wish someone would just through me that lifesaver already; the red one, the one I could clutch onto and lay my weary head upon; the one that would drift me back to warmth and normalcy, the one that would speak to me softly: "it's all over now, I'm here for you now; you've done a great job." Anyway, she told me she applied for 10 or 15 different credit cards and was approved for $ 43,000 worth of credit among about 8 or 9 cards. Only in America I thought.
I really thought that I might be back to work already but instead I've been approved for an indefinite leave. The way I say it is I have one chance to save my life and the rest of my life to work. Now is that time!
I guess the criteria is to:
1) Believe in me
2) Respect the choices and decisions I make to cure my cancer. These choices are well researched and the decisions are always difficult.
3) Believe in Kicking Cancer's Ass
4) Have extra cash to donate
If I had a friend with cancer right now, I would meet three of the criteria but I certainly wouldn't meet the last one! Nor would I meet the last one if I'd already donated.