Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'd Rather Live in His World than Live Without Him in Mine

I was on the phone the other day with my landlord. We talked about the garden and we talked about my situation. At one point he said "oh that baby, that baby must just be your whole world."

When I got off the phone I thought about how I wished that was so. On most days, I just watch his world from mine. My world is a lot about me and a lot about cancer.

I remember these same feelings as a new mom. I was diagnosed when Max was 8 months old. When he was born, I remember thinking that he would come first from now on. We were just getting used to that when I was diagnosed, and since then, I've put myself first. While it's necessary, and it's what it is, and it means that putting me first means that he'll come first again, it doesn't always feel right.

I met someone at the pool the other day who said he understood. He said his mother died of Leukimia when he was 7. He said it was a long battle and she was in bed a lot when he was a kid. He told me he thinks about her everyday and he can't help but wonder.

I just shook my head. I just shake my head at that


Anonymous said...

I'm shaking my head too. I have no words Treice...except that you are in my thoughts EVERY day --- wondering how you are, what you're doing, how you're feeling.
AND you are in my prayers everynight.
I always start off with the serentity prayer, while I'm not in AA -- I find comfort in it's simplicity.
And then I pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Treice - I had to smile with the TP, Carly likes to help everyday with the TP in the cupboard. We are on week 3. Sometimes I worry maybe she's missing a cell or two but the stacking element is quite advanced - I like to think she is focus :)
Small joys.
Thinking of you,
Wendy xx