Hi Christina,
Kelly once told me that he imagined his death would be by saving someone's life; like a dear friend or a son. I wonder if he ever imagined dying while trying to save his own life. This it seems, is the very predicament that I am in.
After a week of strange love, anger, sadness and near psychosis, we've decided to invest our energy in being positive and functioning from the assumption that I will not die. Being positive for more than three or five minutes however is so very difficult. There are no words to describe this tug of war. There are visuals however; those of rope burn and muddy faces. As with anything, the restraint and discipline required to stay true and positive comes with practice; thankfully, we've decided to take the challenge.
I wanted to take a moment to share one of my problems with you. I believe that my ability to fight and to heal is directly linked to the trust I have in you and my other doctors. Sadly, I do not trust you anymore. I dont' trust you because you didn't listen to me and let's face it, I'm loud. Something between us is very different and I am very afraid, angry and tied in knots over it. I wonder (among the many patients you have feelings for), how you're feeling about the turn of events for me?
I need to know. I think I may even need an apology to move on. I might even need to hear from you that you didn't listen to me and that you made some mistakes. I may even want you to say something very special to me; something that provides some insight and some strength for me. I wonder if you are up for this challenge? I hope so, because I need to trust you to fight this. I can trust you when you demonstrate some of your most visceral thoughts and words; the kind you're not supposed to show your patients.
We are due to meet again on the 16th and I believe that there is nothing you will say to me that will be more difficult or more painful than what I've had to say my son, my husband, my mom and my closest friend. Have I got you all wrong in this? If so, please tell me, I will listen. Let's have a candid visit. Let's do it my way.
Thanks for reading this and holding it close to your heart,Treice Backs
1 comment:
Treice,
I see you have posted this just minutes ago. I am awaiting the oncologist's response, but my anxiety level could never be so high as yours must have been between letter and reply. Thank you for being the fighter you are, and for communicating what we all hope we could communicate for ourselves should we find ourselves in your position.
I left a phone message today re homemade soup. If you would like some barley soup delivered please call. If you miss this batch and have a hankering for some later, call and I'll make another potful.
Love,
Soressa
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